Relationship Insights and Reflections – Part 1

Tennis star Sania Mirza recently called off her engagement with her fiancée on incompatibility grounds. I was in two minds. Whether to mentally congratulate Sania on her stand early on in her relation or be skeptical for I know of many young couples with zilch resilience. Presuming the reason is not the latter one I would say good call!

I have wanted to write an article on this subject from a long time. Thanks to the falling apart of couples all around me!  Couples don’t seem to be blinking an eyelid before mentioning the dreaded D word. 7 year itch is no more than a misnomer; couples are parting ways as early as one year of their wedded life or as late as 20 years.

I decided to take opinions from both genders on this subject. Here goes….

Aninda Sen, Single, Employed (print media)

“I think that today’s high rate of divorce and incompatibility is a tell-tale sign of lack of time that couples spend with each other, do things together and more importantly grow together. Chasing a dream lifestyle means working out of different locations, time zones etc and its a recipe for growing apart. At a deep level, it’s about understanding LOVE and COMMITMENT. I think most people are not quite sure what it really means to share ones life with another. This may stem from the fact that folks don’t want to make any trade-offs with their lives – trading off something of value for something which has a higher perceived value.”

Suhasini Ravi, Single, Student (NY University)

“I think compromise is the key to any relationship. If even one person is ready to compromise for someone the other, that makes it very easy to keep a relationship going. Secondly, trying to complement one another rather trying to change one another is also very important. Space and freedom for each individual is required in a relationship.”

Avinash Krishnan, Married for 15 yrs to his college sweetheart, Self Employed (Web related)

“The main reasons for incompatibility these days: 1. Projecting what you are not during courtship leading to disillusionment later 2. Putting self before the relationship. In other words a strong reluctance to sacrifice ones way of life, desires etc for harmonious continuation of the relationship. Reluctance to ‘adjust’ with each other. 3. Finances – with both earning, concept of ‘my’ money and ‘your’ money rather than ‘ours’, can be the death knell.”

Girija Acharya , Single , Employed

“It is very much the responsibility of both the partners to help each other strike the right balance between their new relationship and the existing one’s in their life [by this ,I mean the family and friends of your spouse/partner]  and also respecting the individual space of your partner. Also, honest, open communication is a key ingredient for a healthy relation. In most cases the relationships that don’t work are the one’s in which either one of the partner [and may be his/her family] or sometimes both the partners have the complex that they are the best and that “we are always right” kind of an attitude. Basically, they are bad listeners.” Possessiveness, parental interference in marital affairs are other reasons of trouble. Having said that, even after putting in great efforts to make a relationship work, if it doesn’t work, it’s ok to part ways!! (If you keep a wound un-nursed for long, it becomes septic, causing its own demise)

Himani Aggarwal, Married for 5 years, currently on a sabbatical nursing 1 year old baby

“Relationships are troubled in general also and in specific terms also. It depends on how important the particular relationship is for you to fix and leave. More times than not, the many challenges of life that can impact a couple can be worked out if they are paid attention in an early stage. Else, issues just might grow and then hinder the relationship in totality. I personally believe that relationship can be sweet and open only where you can be what you are and not the way the other want you to be.”

Pradeep Chakraborty, Married for 15 great years, Tech Industry analyst and blogger

“You will run into trouble when selfishness creeps into any relationship. How many couples ask this question seriously before breaking up: why were you together in the first place? You need to accept your friend/partner with all of his/her positives and negatives. The day you don’t, you are asking for trouble!”

Varsha Ranjit, Married for 3 months, Employed (Media – News)

“Ego is something that we all are aware of, we talk about it, but when we ourselves are faced with it, we most likely let our egos do the talking/ reacting. Relationships generally tether delicately on what the power equations are be it between parents and their children, between siblings, between man and woman. In today’s day and age in most man-woman relationships, egos do a lot of talking and it’s so often we see long 5 year old relationships nose diving into nothingness because the ego takes over. Its the bitter truth, but here the concept of a compromise comes into being, you give some and you take some…so you give some space to your partner and then you get some space yourself, talking issues out is another way of dealing with issues…but having said all of this, wouldn’t things be simpler if we were, ourselves be able to abide by all ‘self help advice’?”

VV Rajan, Married for about 7 wonderful years (only getting better), employed (advertising)

“I consider myself lucky to be married to the girl who is my wife now. Ours was an arranged marriage and given my own choice I couldn’t have had a better soul mate! I am saying this out of experience more than anything else. I don’t think I loved my wife then than how much I do now. I guess that’s what compatibility is all about!  While a relationship to me was all about taking things for granted, to my wife it was all about clarity, transparency and doing the right thing no matter what wrongs she was exposed to! I guess time was another factor that made me fully realize that life is not meant to be taken for granted and I am thankful that I don’t carry that attitude anymore! A relationship works better when you place priorities of your family first and then of the others. I guess most of us make this mistake of having a laid back attitude and taking things for granted especially when it comes to your spouse! And while in a relationship we also tend to procrastinate… There never comes a time tomorrow, it is always now!”

I leave you with these thoughts for today…my views on this subject will follow in the next post…

Best
Priyaa

p.s: Thank u so much guys for your views. Much appreciate!